Finding fairies

On finding Sex and the City relatable and collecting my IVF fairies: Natalie, Claire and…Ian

In the last few months, I’ve rewatched all of Sex and the City and also listened to the excellent Sentimental Garbage podcast on same. In 2025, there’s a lot that doesn’t age well about the show (SATC, not SG). It’s been said many times that there’s a lack of diversity, a derivative take on the gay community and an unrealistic depiction of finance. Charlotte probably doesn’t deserve the Park Avenue apartment in her divorce and Aidan Shaw is just…the worst.

But there are some things the show does really, really well, that stand the test of time. One of these things is the navigation of Charlotte and Miranda’s relationship as the former struggles with fertility and the latter has an unplanned pregnancy and considers abortion.

The schism that emerges between the women, with Charlotte unable to see Miranda or be around her as both struggle with the journey ahead, is very real and very understandable from both perspectives.

From the IVF perspective, when you’re desperate to see that second line on the pregnancy test, it’s very hard to watch people get pregnant ‘at the drop of the hat’, announce their second or third baby in their perfect family unit, or, possibly worse, be pregnant and not even be sure that they want to be.

Equally, I imagine I have friends who can’t really understand why we’ve poured so much of ourselves – financially, emotionally and physically – into IVF. They probably wonder where the old Helen has gone, to be replaced by someone whose diary now fits around injections and scans.

As Charlotte and Miranda learn, these aren’t relationship-ending problems, but they aren’t necessarily resolved with complete understanding of the other person: more…acceptance…that life is taking you, in some respects, on different paths.

To navigate IVF, I have found it absolutely indispensable to have other IVF-travellers around me. Emma Barnett, in her wonderful Substack Trying, coined the name ‘IVF fairies’ for such people: other people who have journeyed, or are currently on, this path.

These are people with whom you can share the ups and downs of the process and rely on total understanding and openness. They have been there too, from the injections and scans to the interminable waiting and the gut-drop feeling of another negative test.

I’ve been lucky enough to find three such people. Two are long-time girlfriends who, serendipitously, already knew each other too – we’ll call them Natalie and Claire. Both started IVF slightly before me, but have largely been on the same timeline as me.

In our little IVF group chat, the three of us have discussed ev. er. y. thing. I’m talking comparisons of boob heaviness, questions such as ‘am I spotting or have I just drunk too much Lucozade?’ and discussions about what discharge is normal. Laughter, tears and shared hopes. There is a mutual bond and support there that is impossible to find with friends who have not been through IVF.

My third ‘fairy’ is called…Ian. I’m not sure how he will feel about the description.

Ian is someone I met through a mutual love of a particular film franchise, who guessed that we were going through IVF and reached out to me. He and his wife, too, had been down that road, resulting in their now-teenage son. As you may anticipate, our IVF conversations have taken a slightly different tone to those with Natalie and Claire. But as well as cheerleading me through the highs and lows, he’s been able to give me a male perspective on navigating IVF. It’s been invaluable in helping me better understand the impact the journey might have on my husband and – I hope – given me the grace to support Matt at times that have been overwhelming for us both.

Having these people around has also helped my relationships with my non-IVF friends. I’ve had a safe space to ask questions, be stressed and sometimes be totally miserable, without it permeating every conversation with people for whom fertility and conception are really not top of the agenda.

And as Emma Barnett said of IVF fairies, it creates a lifelong bond of friendship between you, regardless of the outcome. How could it not? You will always have been part of each other’s struggles, hopes, fears and joys.

When Claire announced her final transfer had been successful, there was no resentment because we knew how hard her journey had been to get there. We were able to hold her through her pregnancy from the very earliest moments, through some pretty serious health scares, to the birth of her beautiful, healthy baby.

To all those out there doing IVF: I cannot recommend enough that you find your fairies. And if you’re reading this and thinking you don’t know anyone – you know me. DMs are always open.