Not-so-New-Year resolutions
Now all the resolutions we planned on 31 December have gone out of the window, it’s time to think about the attainable self-care ones we can make
How are your New Year’s Resolutions going? Mine are…fairly terrible, to be honest. One, for example, was just getting in bed early and reading every night rather than just watching repeats of Midsomer Murders and scrolling aimlessly on my phone. Only problem is, I’m nearly eight months’ pregnant, so the early nights aren’t a problem – but the reading is not happening.
Swimming a minimum of twice a week? Forget it. If I’m not knackered, I have acid indigestion. If my digestion isn’t that of an old man with a terrible diet, I’ve got a cold. If my immune system is fully functional, I still need to sit down for a long period of time after walking downstairs.
I also promised myself I’d get more non-working writing done. But unless I do it in the (several) periods during the night when the baby is kicking me in the bladder, I am completely out for the count by the end of the working day.
Particularly with the latter, I find I am putting immense pressure on myself. I’ve got people to sign up to this damn Substack and I’m NOT WRITING for weeks on end. Then I remember why people are reading it: if you’re doing IVF, I’m going to assume you understand a little about all-consuming exhaustion, as well as the fact that sometimes you simply don’t have the capacity to think about it more after a day/week/month of dealing with it.
Side note: the good news is that my story has a happy ending. The bad news is that pregnancy brings plenty of challenges of its own, however much you hoped and prayed for it.
This time last year, I was in a similar position: I had a million resolutions about making myself IVF-ready ahead of our second attempted transfer. I was adding extra pressure into my life by trying to be absolutely perfect, failing and then blaming myself.
Which, if you’ve done a round of IVF, you will know is just adding stress on stress and helping nobody. If you haven’t done a round, I’m here to tell you: PERFECT ISN’T WORTH IT.
Instead, make IVF resolutions that are manageable and don’t dominate – or at least do support – your life as you embark on the next step of the journey.
Manageable resolutions
Exercise
Yes, you have to have a certain BMI to be able to do IVF. I know how hard this is: I had to work damn hard to lose a stone before our first round. But the more unmanageable your goal is, the more likely you are just to quit.
DON’T: decide you have to run a 5k off the bat on a dark night in January.
DO: try to fit in a daily walk, start Couch to 5k or pick a sport that feels more like fun than a chore – dancing, yoga, swimming. Whatever works for you.
Healthy eating
IVF comes with a list of things you shouldn’t eat/drink and it’s basically everything that’s ever been fun (alcohol, caffeine (including chocolate)…), and it only gets worse in pregnancy (all I want right now is a whole camembert and a massive plate of shellfish).
DON’T: pick some influencer’s mad diet, try to immediately cut out everything and eat three walnuts a day before giving up on day five and eating all the leftover Christmas chocolate in one sitting.
DO: research alternatives to the things you like but ‘can’t’ have, as well as IVF-friendly foods in general, and have the ones you like in the house to snack on/drink. And let yourself have the odd chocolate bar/cup of tea as a treat.
Recovery time
I’ve spoken before about how after a failed round of IVF there can be a real need and self-pressure to try again immediately.
DON’T: immediately think about the next round and start pushing your healthcare team to get you on the next batch of drugs. If they’re worth their salt, they won’t allow this anyway and will encourage you to break cycles up. Not taking ‘time off’ between rounds can lead to an absolutely relentless year of medication.
DO: plan in breaks, whether that’s holidays or other plans, to force yourself to take a pause. Remember that you’re putting your body through an awful lot physically and, while IVF can be incredibly time-sensitive, you’re not actually helping your success rates by pushing yourself harder and harder on it.
Brain time out
It’s not just about the body but the mind. It’s easy to live, sleep, dream, eat your life around IVF.
DON’T: let IVF be the centre of all your thoughts and plans at all times. If it is, that’s completely natural! But there are ways you can deal with the constant planning controlling your life…
DO: find ways of compartmentalising it, such as journaling; or giving your brain daily distraction, such as crafting, jigsaws, reading, learning on a language app. Set yourself a manageable daily challenge: I knew I would be a nervous wreck throughout this pregnancy so I set myself homework of reading one chapter of War and Peace for every day of pregnancy. Partly because I haven’t read it since I studied Russian at university, partly because it’s definitely long enough to take you through nine months of pregnancy and then some. Partly because I’m a MASSIVE NERD. Is it working? Well, I’ve nearly finished volume two of three and I get more worried about not being up-to-speed with my Tolstoy than I do about giving birth (most days).
You can choose your friends…
There has never been a better time for putting yourself first than when you’re battling through IVF. How you proceed with friends will depend on if you decide to share what you’re going through with them – and that is entirely up to you as an individual.
DON’T: just cut yourself off from people, but also don’t force yourself to be out loads if you’re knackered. And don’t feel you have to explain yourself if you’ve decided not to share your IVF journey: ‘no, thanks’ is a full sentence. Don’t force yourself to coo over friends’ babies if it triggers you – there are other ways to be a supportive friend to new mums and show them you love them without putting yourself in a mentally draining situation.
DO: feel comfortable putting boundaries in place. If you have shared with loved ones, they will likely ask you how it’s going, because they care and they want to support you. Empower yourself to say ‘you know what, IVF is taking up so much of my brain space as it is, let’s have a night off discussing it’. You will find that they completely understand and you may even find they’re a bit relieved to not have you pouring out all the gory medical details. And if you haven’t told them and want things to go on as ‘normal’, be the one to drive the meet-ups. Suggest activities you have the energy and headspace for, rather than just saying ‘I can’t, sorry’ every time they suggest a pub night.
…but you can’t choose your family
If you’re on this journey with a partner, and you’re the one doing the medication, the egg-growing, the baby-carrying etc., while it is legitimate to put yourself first you also have to be mindful that your other half is on the same path with you. The road might look a bit different for them, but the journey is still an emotional rollercoaster full of the same hopes and disappointments.
DON’T: assume what they’re feeling or shut them off from what YOU’RE feeling – they may well feel sidelined or useless in the process and also need space to express how they’re feeling, or simply need to understand how they can better support you. But also, don’t make IVF the whole focus of your relationship.
DO: carve out time for non-IVF-related conversations and activities. It’s surprisingly hard when you’re in the depths of it not to have every conversation revolve around dates, timelines and money – but you also have to make an adult relationship function, especially as there is always the possibility hanging in the background that the journey might end sans bébé. Do things together that make memories unrelated to fertility.
None of these resolutions need be unattainable goals: most are things you can do almost unconsciously day by day. But if you make that promise to yourself to change up a tiny bit of your daily routine, take up a new activity or make some time for ‘baby-talk-is-banned’ date nights with your other half, then the long, hard IVF slog might become slightly more manageable.
Wishing you all a healthy and happy 2026 and, for those of you setting out (or travelling again), an IVF journey that feels navigable through all the highs and lows.